© 2016-18, By Prashant S. Shah, http://spiritual-living.in
What are the chances that you will marry the wrong person? It’s certainly a high possibility; and most of us in modern society are seriously afraid of it.
But, why does the ‘wrong person’ happen to us? Is there a flaw in how we choose our partner? Have we gone wrong somewhere? Many of us recall the lasting relationship our grandparents enjoyed. So we ask: “what was the traditional glue that kept them together?” Can we also have such a traditional-marriage relationship in the modern times? Can I make my existing marriage a success? To find answers to these questions, read further:
- Why does the ‘wrong person’ happen to us?
- Is there a flaw in how we choose our partner?
- Where exactly have we gone wrong?
- Can I have a traditional marriage relationship in modern times?
- How to make your marriage a blessing?
Why does the ‘wrong person’ happen to us?
Marrying the wrong person has become a high possibility, and today most of us have become afraid of it. It has made us very cautious, and we feel the need to take time to know our partner. Unfortunately, taking more time to decide doesn’t really help us because we come to know BOTH the good and the bad side. Hence, we are unable to decide and remain confused.
Some of us try to improve our odds of success by setting off the undesirable points against the desirable points. In this way we try to see if the marriage is still a bargain. However, the uncertainty remains; and most of us still land up marrying the wrong kind of person!
The wrong person happens to us because we do our thinking from one side; from our side. We overrate the issue of choosing correctly and underrate the need for keeping trust in the relationship. Our expectations are usually unrealistic and we can easily fool ourselves in believing that we are getting a good deal. In any case we still cannot anticipate the issues that can arise only after our relationship has been fixed.
Is there a flaw in how we choose our partner?
When we are youthful, we pick our partner on the basis of sexual attraction or ‘chemistry’. We get infatuated with physical beauty or attractiveness. So, we underrate all the other qualities in the partner. However, our criterion changes as we mature (and women mature much faster). Women usually give more value to the status attached to having the partner (financial security, reputation, etc.). But men still remain obsessed with looks – as though a pretty face is the trophy. Later on, as wisdom arises, both sides begin to value the marriage more for the company it offers. Then the important factors are having ‘similar goals’, ‘common interests’ or a partner who ‘complements our abilities’.
However, the common mistake is that we select a person with our ‘youthful criteria’; and this criterion does not serve us when we have matured – because our preferences have changed. The modern society has the remedy and it is called DIVORCE. But this remedy has totally changed how we regard marriage; and it still leaves us without someone to share our life with! We still want happiness through marriage; we want a family life (with children); and we want relationships that last a lifetime (with relatives).
Where exactly have we gone wrong?
Many of us have come to understand that marriage is basically a traditional concept, and that it does not fit in properly into the fabric of modern society. Marriage has served the human society since thousands of years, even before the organised religions took shape. However, the modern trend, as expressed through social media and movies, tries to sell us a different story. They see traditional values with the modern eyes; and they wish to tell you that marriages in the past also didn’t work out! However, if you are not easily deceived by the falsehood they have created, you can see that they speak like the FOX who says: “The grapes are sour”; whereas the truth is that the grapes are just outside their reach.
Most of us can still recall the lasting relationship that was enjoyed by our grandparents or in the traditional society. So, we ask: “What was the traditional glue that kept these people together?” The glue or the binding force in traditional society was the COMMITMENT that the partners made BEFORE A HIGHER AUTHORITY. This commitment transformed the ‘issue of choice and pleasure’ into the ‘issue of acceptance and duty’. It does not overcome the differences in opinion that normally arise between the partners of the opposite sex. However, it changes how you regard your partner and the marriage.
In traditional society the partner is regarded as ‘God given’. You accept the other person and the role you are in just as you accept your children. Differences arise of course, but it is always for you as individuals in the relationship to keep the unity and make the necessary adjustments. It is admitted that traditional society asks the women to do most of the adjusting and hold the family together. However, that was the role given to them, and so they did not grudge it. They did it as a part of their duty to their own welfare and their commitment before a higher authority.
The modern times have discarded the traditional values saying that now it’s the ‘women’s era’. The women must assert their rights and claim their entitlements. The traditional role of women as ‘home maker’ is a ‘lose-win’ situation for the women. Why should a women feel committed to the husband’s or the family’s welfare. Her only concern is herself. However, they assert this concern without balancing their share of entitlements!
This new outlook has made marriage imbalanced. The traditional Dharma is lost. And the relationship naturally deteriorates into a ‘lose-lose’ situation.
Without Dharma and commitment there is no foundation for bringing two egos together for a lasting relationship. We have to look at what the marriage makes possible for all parties and not simply claim our share for ourselves. A stable marriage is good for both partners, for the children, and for the larger family. It also provides the support structure that each partner needs to endure difficult times and to live a more meaningful and fulfilling life.
The modern mind will say: “Why not ask men to do the adjusting?” And the traditional mind asks: “Are the roles decided according to the nature of man and woman? Is traditional Dharma set by a higher intelligence or is it something that is to be decided by social convention or experiment?”
Modern society is basically atheistic; it believes that everything is to be decided by the human intelligence; and that men have only pampered themselves in traditional societies. So, there was imbalance in the past in favor of men and now it must change in favor of women. But what is basically imbalanced will remain unstable.
Can I have a traditional marriage relationship in modern times?
The traditional idea of Dharma is to maintain a balance between right and wrong; between duties and rewards; between rights and obligations in society. So Dharma is not fixed rules of social conduct. It is a living truth that changes its expression in society with the changing times.
You can know your Dharma by asking your heart, the God within.
When you act in the atmosphere of Dharma you don’t have to put a claim on your rights and rewards; you let them arise on their own. You don’t do things for the sake of pleasure; instead you take pleasure from what is given to you.
However, when you do your duties in the atmosphere of the ego, you keep an eye on your rights and rewards. Then you easily become demanding or get frustrated. And when that happens your luck moves away.
So, when you go looking for the right husband or wife, just remember that you also have to be the right person! Don’t focus on finding the right person; focus on being the right person. Do the first things first and what is for you or provided for you, will come to you naturally.
How to make your marriage a blessing?
If you are in a marriage and you are experiencing a lot of difficulties, you can still change everything. You do it by changing how you regard everything.
Consider your partner as ‘GOD GIVEN’ (even if you got your partner through personal choice);
believe in KARMA, that natural justice exists (and so everyone, including you, gets what they deserve and not what they want);
ACCEPT what you get graciously (when there is acceptance, the issue of getting the ‘wrong person’ doesn’t exist – you simply get what has been made for you); and
TRUST the higher authority that oversees your life (ask it to guide your actions so that you do the right things).
In short, consider your marriage as a BLESSING; accept your DUTY as ‘God given’ and perform it well; and TRUST that everyone gets what is due to them in the natural course.
To know more read Understand your Men and Women Relationships; click here:
To read How to Experience Freedom & Contentment; click here: